Today marks the third day since the break up. Focus is gradually becoming easier for me, though I still spent the entire afternoon going through the Discussion Materials for Machine Learning. The content is incredibly challenging, filled with codes and new concepts. I remind myself that I need to be responsible, not only for students, but for myself as well.

Surprisingly, I did not play any video games this afternoon. Thinking back to the days before I met her, I did not play games that often. Maybe video games appeal to me most when I feel loved and secure. Uncertainty tends to ruin the joy of gaming. When bad or urgent tasks arise, I find myself impossible to immerse myself in a game. But when I feel loved, there is a strength behind me – a support that helps me overcome all difficulties without hesitation or burden.

I realized how hard it is to break a habit, especially a good one. No matter what I am doing, I cannot help but think of her. Thoughts of her linger in my heart. She used to sit beside me, playing my hair and talking about the day. Today she sat just one row in front of me, hindered by a row of monitors, but I felt so bad, as if blocked by mountains.

I admit, we did not share many interests. During our time together, I was often the listener, adopting her passions as my own. She loves photography, so we pooled our money to buy a Canon. She loves badminton, so I stayed in NCRB and watched her play. She loves baking, so became her assistant in the kitchen.

Looking back now, these might seem like things any friends could do, but I truly learned so much from those simple yet heartfelt moments. When she photographed, I tried to capture wonderful moments too, but hers were always better. When she played badminton, I saw her pregress and later I tried exercising. When she baked egg tarts, I learned how to make them as well and baked myself during summer breaks.

These memories are too precious to forget. I owe her so much – she taught me to be more social, more caring, and more versatile.

A Recall

It suddenly occurred to me that a day after EECS216 second midterm in JI, she received an extremely bad score. At that time, we were applying to Umich, and the weight of it all crushed her. It was the first time I saw fragility in her pretty eyes.

I did not dare leave her aside. I tried to comfort her with words, but they felt too plain, too inadequate. Dinner held no appeal for her in that bitter moment, so I ordered her favorite SUKIYA and quietly sat beside her. Looking back now, it may not seem a big deal, but setback always feels larger at that moment than it truly is.